Sunday, January 25, 2009

Thank you for flying @#$%^& Airlines!

*I just uploaded this from my laptop, which I used during the flight. All emotions are true, even if I may not remember the captain's speech fully.*

I can't take this anymore. How long will this flight take again?

Oh right. I'm talking to an LCD screen.

That's the only good thing about this flight, you know? My laptop.

Ok. I can't take this. I HAVE TO COMPLAIN. RANT. ANYTHING to make me feel better.

Ok. Let's start. First of all, I'm travelling in the Indian Express IX 661 flight. The people on this flight seem to have forgotten to take a bath for the past 12 days. The air hostesses look like Emily Rose. One of them is giving me the stinkeye because she feels like it.

It is so hot I could melt. But not before I spontaneously combust. WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AM I WEARING A FULL SLEEVED SHIRT???

The food is... don't get me started on the food. I won't tell you. I can't. Naa naa naa naa naa.

Oh, all right, if you insist.

Imagine crap (pieces of metal, toilet paper, etc) with tomamto sauce on it. Now take OFF the tomato sauce.

This is my dinner. Yummee! Not.

I am sweltering. I try looking out of the window from my window seat, and what do I get? A blank wall. That's right.

MY STUPID WINDOW SEAT DOESN'T HAVE A WINDOW!!!

Must get caffeine. Must stay awake.

I have a feeling that you don't understand my situation.

I am in a bubble. There are no windows. The seat is uncomforatble. Children are crying. The food can't be defined without using vulgar words. All the books have been read. My mp4 is out of charge. We obviously can't use internet.

I can't read the Airplane Safety pamphlet like the lady in Seat 7 C.

Who does that anyway?

I can't turn the reading light on an off like the guy in Seat 8 B! No wait. That's a lady too.

I hope.

All I'm saying is that-

OH MY GOD WE DON'T HAVE COCA COLA ON THE FLIGHT!!!! WERE ARE WE??? IN ETHIOPIA??? THIS ISN'T RIGHT!!! I'M GOING TO SUE THIS AIRCRAFT-

NO I DON'T WANT THE ORANGE JUICE, LADY!!! AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING A LITTLE GIRL?

MUST. STAY. CALM. MUST. STAY. CALM. BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT.

Oh great. The inflight movie is something with subtitles.

Is there a spare parachute here? No. I guessed not.

My mother has noticed my frenzied look. She has separated me from belts and shoe laces.

Hmmm... I wonder why.

I have to get off this plane.

Oh great idea! Why don't we just jump off this plane which is at an altitude of over 1000s of feet above sea level?

Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid-

STOP KICKING ME!!! I turn around to see a man who look quite scared at my expression.

Oh.

So has the rest of the plane.

Maybe I should pretend I'm in somewhere cold, to get my mind off of things you know?

Okay... fine... er...

Wow!!! That really... DID NOT WORK AT ALL.

YES!!! WE HAVE 20 MORE MINUTES TILL LANDING!!!

SUCCESS!!!

Ha. I OWN you stupid airplane.

Naa naa naa naa naa!!!

IN YOUR FAAAAAAACE!!! IN YOUR FAAAACE!!!

Well. I have to go-

What?

"Good evening, passengers! This is your captain speaking. We are sorry to inform you that there is going to be a slight delay in our arrival due to some turbulence. I request you all to remain in your seats, as the fasten seatbelt sign is on. Thank you."

Sorry for the-

Inconvenience?

Ok! Well, I have to go and do other stuff, you know.

Like shoot myself.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

RomComs Forever!

Ah, yes.

You've finished school/college/work/community service and you've got a tub of popcorn, a bottle of coke, and a nice comfy sofa at a practical distance from the TV. The A/C is on, and you switch on the TV.

*TA DA*

NOW FEATURING "WHEN HARRY MET SALLY" (or) "YOU'VE GOT MAIL" (or) "SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE"

You get the idea.

But what ARE Romantic Comedies?

Rather than getting too technical, you can say that it is just an escape from your boss/stalker/head teacher/ neat-freak room mate.

Basically, it makes you laugh, cry, and fawn over the actors and actresses.

Something which you can't do in real life in a span of 2 hours.

But my opiniated (read- extrememly jobless) friend says that RomComs are just mush that don't instill any values.

Um, dude.

We're not in Moral Values class, FYI.

And, by the way, they do teach you lessons. What about "You've Got Mail!"?

Lesson Learnt- When you fall in love with your chat buddy, meet each other in a public restaurant. And don't chicken out when you find out you are enemies in the book industry. Yeah that's for you Tom Hanks!

"Shakespeare In Love"-

Lesson Learnt- When you are in the 1600s, know that amongst all the men auditioning for the play, there will be a girl in disguise. Fall in love with her. Complicate things.

"John Tucker Must Die"

Guys, don't have three girlfriends and ditch them all at the same time. YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!

"Romeo+Juliet"

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not fall in love with your immortal enemies. Bsically what happens is- you like, you like, you die.

"Never Been Kissed"

Be suspicious of the girl who enters high school and kinda looks like a university graduate. And looks like Drew Barrymore.

"10 Things I Hate About You"

Never agree to get paid to date someone who you are very likely to fall in love with.

I could go on.

Are you happy, bud?

*Go away, I'm in the loo*

Ah well. The disadvantages of having a friend with a small bladder.

Anyway, I assume you now know why we love RomComs. I'm happy that I've brought some sort of understanding into the minds of pre-teen bloggers.

God, I'm so jobless that I actually wrote this huge blog post.

Screw it. I'm going to bed.

As soon as I watch "50 First Dates"

Bye!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Season's Sarcastic Greetings

WARNING:
DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY- JUST NOD POLITELY AND WALK AWAY FROM THE SCREEN


I'm sick, I'm tired, Subway isn't picking up the phone- and to top it all- I HAVE A FREAKING BIOLOGY TEST TOMORROW!!!
Life can't get worse.
Crap. It did.
Apparently, we're not supposed to use the meat knife for cutting bread. Ouch.
Anyway, I just wanted to wish everyone a good new year.
May your life be devoid of insects, reptiles, humiliation, and meat knives.
May your life be full of love, hope, joy, faith and all that jazz.
I know, I know. I'm kinda ruining this beautiful moment(understatement of the century)
But, seriously- I know that although the world may seem crappy, unfair, embarassing, and hopeless; there is always a light at the end of the long, dark, creepy, bizzarely structured, animal infested tunnel. There really is.
Or that might be the flashlight the kid from the Omen carries before he kills you.
Either one.
Have a Happy New Year!