Sunday, January 25, 2009

Thank you for flying @#$%^& Airlines!

*I just uploaded this from my laptop, which I used during the flight. All emotions are true, even if I may not remember the captain's speech fully.*

I can't take this anymore. How long will this flight take again?

Oh right. I'm talking to an LCD screen.

That's the only good thing about this flight, you know? My laptop.

Ok. I can't take this. I HAVE TO COMPLAIN. RANT. ANYTHING to make me feel better.

Ok. Let's start. First of all, I'm travelling in the Indian Express IX 661 flight. The people on this flight seem to have forgotten to take a bath for the past 12 days. The air hostesses look like Emily Rose. One of them is giving me the stinkeye because she feels like it.

It is so hot I could melt. But not before I spontaneously combust. WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AM I WEARING A FULL SLEEVED SHIRT???

The food is... don't get me started on the food. I won't tell you. I can't. Naa naa naa naa naa.

Oh, all right, if you insist.

Imagine crap (pieces of metal, toilet paper, etc) with tomamto sauce on it. Now take OFF the tomato sauce.

This is my dinner. Yummee! Not.

I am sweltering. I try looking out of the window from my window seat, and what do I get? A blank wall. That's right.

MY STUPID WINDOW SEAT DOESN'T HAVE A WINDOW!!!

Must get caffeine. Must stay awake.

I have a feeling that you don't understand my situation.

I am in a bubble. There are no windows. The seat is uncomforatble. Children are crying. The food can't be defined without using vulgar words. All the books have been read. My mp4 is out of charge. We obviously can't use internet.

I can't read the Airplane Safety pamphlet like the lady in Seat 7 C.

Who does that anyway?

I can't turn the reading light on an off like the guy in Seat 8 B! No wait. That's a lady too.

I hope.

All I'm saying is that-

OH MY GOD WE DON'T HAVE COCA COLA ON THE FLIGHT!!!! WERE ARE WE??? IN ETHIOPIA??? THIS ISN'T RIGHT!!! I'M GOING TO SUE THIS AIRCRAFT-

NO I DON'T WANT THE ORANGE JUICE, LADY!!! AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING A LITTLE GIRL?

MUST. STAY. CALM. MUST. STAY. CALM. BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT.

Oh great. The inflight movie is something with subtitles.

Is there a spare parachute here? No. I guessed not.

My mother has noticed my frenzied look. She has separated me from belts and shoe laces.

Hmmm... I wonder why.

I have to get off this plane.

Oh great idea! Why don't we just jump off this plane which is at an altitude of over 1000s of feet above sea level?

Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid-

STOP KICKING ME!!! I turn around to see a man who look quite scared at my expression.

Oh.

So has the rest of the plane.

Maybe I should pretend I'm in somewhere cold, to get my mind off of things you know?

Okay... fine... er...

Wow!!! That really... DID NOT WORK AT ALL.

YES!!! WE HAVE 20 MORE MINUTES TILL LANDING!!!

SUCCESS!!!

Ha. I OWN you stupid airplane.

Naa naa naa naa naa!!!

IN YOUR FAAAAAAACE!!! IN YOUR FAAAACE!!!

Well. I have to go-

What?

"Good evening, passengers! This is your captain speaking. We are sorry to inform you that there is going to be a slight delay in our arrival due to some turbulence. I request you all to remain in your seats, as the fasten seatbelt sign is on. Thank you."

Sorry for the-

Inconvenience?

Ok! Well, I have to go and do other stuff, you know.

Like shoot myself.

3 comments:

Makuluwo said...

lol! Funny. And will remind self never to book a flight on 'Indian Express IX 661'! o_O

Choclate_Addict said...

Dude. You must have an infinitely strong personality to have survived. I would have probably ended up strangling the stewardess with a seat belt if she told me there was no Coke. I mean, COME ON. NO COKE? >_< how is that even possible? xD

Sasнiиi said...

See? This is pure, unadultered Aisu at her best! I am so glad I know you. XD